MOVIE REVIEW: A Haunted House 2 (2014)
After an amazing job doing the impossible in Hollywood — that is, making 30 times back the budget on your preceding movie, A Haunted House — master of physical comedy Marlon Wayans (Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood, Dungeons & Dragons [2000], Mo’ Money, Above the Rim) concluded he should make a follow-up sequel. It was a gamble, as the fourth wave of feminism was in full swing…and so was the #MeToo movement. Much of the comedy in these movies was a holdover from the late 20th Century, full of raunchy sex comedies using our differences as a comedic crutch. The majority of media-hungry and newly sensitized people did not want to see a movie like A Haunted House 2, and they didn’t want other people to see it either — easy to pull off in the age of groupthink and cancel culture. Imagine what that might do to a box office’s numbers? Wonder no more as today’s review of A Haunted House 2 shows that you can’t pass off the same movie twice — especially using the same poor gags.
A year later and our main character from the last movie Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) has moved on to greener pastures: he has a new house and a new girlfriend named Megan (Jaime Pressly, Not Another Teen Movie, Torque, Jerry Springer: Ringmaster, “My Name Is Earl” [TV-NBC]) with an insane body who can throw it back as bad as he wants it. Proof’s in the pudding as she has two kids from other guys: promiscuous teenage daughter Becky (Ashley Rickards, Gamer, The Devil’s Door) and young son Wyatt (Steele Stebbins, Vacation [2015], Crawlspace)…who has an imaginary friend named “Tony”…that sounds suspiciously like a Black person. Seems Kisha’s demon “Tony” from her childhood followed Malcolm all the way to his new house and the haunting starts all over again…with a twist.
Malcolm keeps encountering haunted objects in the new house — a possessed redhead ragdoll, cursed film reels, haunted boxes spewing moth swarms, and so on — so he ups his camera game to document the supernatural. His demeanor has changed since the first movie, as Malcolm now believes in the supernatural and Megan is the voice of skepticism. Either perspective certainly doesn’t help them as they navigate a haunting in their new house, so they get some help. Malcolm contacts Professor Wilde (Rick Overton, Eight Legged Freaks, Dinner with Schmucks, Willow), a specialist in the occult and getting as high as humanly possible, who identifies a being on the cursed film reel as a Babylonian demon. It’s the same demon that possessed Kisha in the first film, and it’s come for Malcolm and his new family…in the form of Kisha (who was left to die in a ditch at the beginning of the movie), who moves in next door!
Over the course of the movie, Malcolm goes on an adventure involving Santeria blood sacrifices, being beaten by the cops during a domestic dispute, being harassed by Black women for being in an interracial relationship, and doing as many drugs as he can to escape the demon and win his freedom. But in order to beat this spirit he’s gonna need some real help. Malcolm turns to Ned Sorensen (Hayes MacArthur, She’s Out of My League, Super Troopers 2) and his wife Noreen (Missi Pyle, Galaxy Quest, “Two and a Half Men” [TV-CBS]) — an exorcist/medium team who agree to help once they learn Malcolm’s adopted family is White. Using a special blend of marijuana to get really high, they start up a séance to attract the demon and include Father Doug (Cedric the Entertainer, Ride), who does not survive his encounter with the demon. Instead, Malcolm strikes a deal with the demon: take him instead. The demon does so and after a communal ass-kicking, Malcolm pukes the demon into the haunted box to turn it into a prison. You’d think it as over, but no: Kisha shows up and kills Megan, Wyatt, Becky…and Ray-Ray (Affion Crockett) and his gang-banger crew when they come in to try and save the day. With the death of so many original characters, I hope this marks an ending for this series…but one can never tell with shitty movies.
CHOICE CUTS:
- So far the movie references include The Conjuring, Annabelle, Wish Upon, Sinister, Paranormal Activity, and much more.
- Malcolm also has a new dog, named after the dog from the first movie…who also dies in the opening scenes. Don’t worry, Malcolm gets a third dog named after the first…but kills the dog before he sees it in a fit of supernatural paranoia.
- Unfortunately, we are AGAIN subject to Marlon Wayans molesting stuffed animals. This time it cost him BIG, as the creepy redhead doll…claims Malcolm as its lover on social media. In his attempts to get out of this situation, it gets worse with every re-visitation. I am not making any of this up.
- A new Wayans family member shows up, Gregg Wayans-Benson, and he looks like the spitting image of Keenen Ivory Wayans.
- The comments “sounding like a blown speaker”, “Doug E. Fresh beatbox”, “got that Plastic Man”, had me laughing out loud.
- Malcolm’s comments in-between viewings of the cursed film reel were also good, especially in light of the failed Scary Movie films done without any involvement of the Wayans family.
- Wordplay gets a special mention when talking about a smelly haunted box.
- Genuine shock crossed my face with Father Doug’s scene, as I didn’t think they would actually do that EVER.
- While the comments about Caitlyn Jenner might be considered homophobic, Caitlyn Jenner herself is pretty damned homophobic.
- Gabriel Iglesias (Magic Mike, Ferdinand [2017]) and Kym Whitley (“Sparks” [TV-UPN], Black Dynamite) are in the movie to be subject to stereotypical comments, act offended at the comments, then subvert the offended act with evidence confirming the stereotypical comments. It’s a 1–2–3 combo that gets tired REAL fast.
- “You know they ain’t got no insides!” Kym Whitley, ladies and gentlemen — with perfect delivery on lines about White women.
- We’re gonna leave the scene featuring a greased-up WWE’s Mark Henry alone; it’s best that we do so.
- How many times can we reference “Mandingo parties” in this series? (WARNING: do not look that term up, it is incredibly NSFW/NSFL)
- This movie made roughly $25 million at the box office on a budget of $4.5 million. Five times the budget back, yes, but not enough to beat the bugbear of woke politics.
