MOVIE REVIEW: Cherry 2000 (1987)
OK. I made a point to watch this one night many years ago because it involved a sex android — a very cool thing for 80’s sci-fi. For some reason, I had this memory in my head that Cherry 2000 was a good movie, so I thought it needed to be reviewed. I still believe it truly did need to be reviewed but for a completely different reason. Usually the reason for reviewing the chosen movies is to immortalize my memory of them; a few times it’s to rip movies a new one. This review straddles the line. Prepare yourself.
This movie as I said before involves a sex ‘droid, an average dystopian sci-fi prop elevated to a character of pivotal plot importance called the Cherry 2000, played by Pamela Gidley (The Little Vampire and Mafia!). This movie was made in the 80’s and is trying to be sexy, so there are necessary things needed to make the opening scene as 80’s as possible. Going down the checklist, we see they kept up a New Wave style, Venetian blinds, stark colored lighting and the omnipresent saxophone. It’s not the 80’s without some saxophone music. Speaking of music, this odd entry in the sci-fi canon was scored by Basil Pouledoris of Conan the Barbarian fame. I listened closely to the music and it doesn’t even register. Not the best on his resume, but Mr. P gets by.
To the movie: Our protagonist Sam Treadwell (David Andrews, T3: Rise of the Machines and “Mann & Machine”[TV]) comes home from a hard day’s work at the recycling plant to make sweet love to his Cherry 2000. She serves him dinner and is washing dishes when he makes his move. The water in the sink overflows and as they make love on the wet floor, Cherry shorts out. The robot salesman/repairman says the body has “total internal meltdown”, but the memory disk is salvageable. Problem is that they don’t make the Cherry 2000 model anymore. The only place you can get them is in “the Zone”, a desert not unlike a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Sam isn’t sure what to do and decides to try out real women in town. This is our first dose of weird.
After work, Sam and some buddies hit the Glu Glu Club, a singles bar. Before anything remotely close to an inter-personal relationship takes place, one must show demo reels and ultimately consult the on-site Glu Glu lawyer (Laurence Fishburne, right in between School Daze and “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse”). Everything we take for granted for picking up the opposite sex in a bar or club is weighed down in a mire of legality and dignified compromise. Sam’s not putting up with this crap and makes tracks to find a tracker to help him in the pseudo-Western town of Glory Hole. He finds his tracker by the sign that says:
“E. Johnson, Tracker. …never says no.”
Sam meets E. Johnson and is surprised that E means Edith (played by Melanie Griffith, Cecil B. Demented, Milk Money), a female tracker with shock-red spiky hair. E bristles at the idea of having to find a sex ‘droid for this guy when there are plenty of live women around, and attacks Sam and the justification for having Cherry in a monotone drawl. Initially he doesn’t want a female tracker and is on the look for the legendary tracker Six-Fingered Jake. After an altercation that changes his mind about Six-Fingered Jake, he returns to E hops in a rocket-powered Mustang with her and heads deeper into the Zone. They meet a river and the plan to get across is a complicated one: trick the bad guys into picking up the car with a power magnet crane and toting it onto the other side by shooting the crane operator at the precise moment. The plan doesn’t work as well and a gunfight involving RPG shoulder units while inside a hanging car takes place. Through complicated maneuvering, the car is released from the magnet but is still hanging from the crane via a winch cable on the Mustang. It is then lowered into a drain pipe, where our heroes meet up with Six-Fingered Jake.
Ol’ Jake comes out of retirement to help our heroes go back and get the car. Bringing along 2 pack mules, our heroes go back to the opening of the drain pipe. Sam takes another listen before stowing the memory disk in a pack mule bag. Just as they start, the trio come under attack from the Sky Ranch Cult. E and Jake escape, but Sam is “shanghaied” and the car is taken also.
At Sky Ranch HQ, Sam meets up with an old girlfriend who calls herself “Ginger”. She loves her new life out here with her new boyfriend Lester (Tim Thomerson, the Trancers series). Lester leads Sky Ranch and reveals himself to be a sadistic control freak who is always eager to guide his militaristic cultists through murder and a round of the Hokey Pokey. Not one to stick around with crazy people, Sam plans his escape. He beats up a guard and as he’s about to make a break for it when E and Six-Fingered Jake show up with only one pack mule. The other one died and had to be thrown into the river — WITH THE MEMORY DISK IN THE SADDLEBAG!!! Now Sam wants revenge and starts to pour gasoline on the Sky Ranch chase cars. (Little does Sam know that Jake slipped the memory disk to E for safe keeping.) Setting the place on fire, he and E hop in the Mustang and split, to meet up with Jake at a later date. The Sky Ranch Cult sends scouts to chase them and begins to make repairs to chase them in the morning.
Our Heroes drove all night and into the morning, when Sam had driving duty. He was watching E sleep and beginning to accept the need for live women when he ran into a big rock. Both E and Sam step out of the car to check on things, leading to a strange happening: a love scene. I present to you, the audience, our second dose of weird. The love scene is one of the things I remember about this movie because it was so spontaneous, stupid and the actor’s movements were charged. This is a conclusion I reached when I was 16 and knew nothing. Their romping played the memory disk and Sam wants to know why she didn’t tell him about having the disk. He then continues, “For all the things you said about Cherry, she never lied.” E replies, “Oh yeah? Well, I’m not a fucking machine!” Then the Sky Ranch scouts show up and a fight ensues where Sam ends up saving E.
They continue into the desert and find the Last Chance Brothel, home to Snappy Tom and Randa. These 2 characters saw our heroes way off and went to hide with weapons drawn. Sam decides to case the place when Randa pops out, weapon drawn, and says “Drop it.” E comes out with hers and says “Drop it, Shorty.” Snappy Tom comes out of the fridge with his weapon and says, “You drop it, Red.” Just in the nick of time, Six-Fingered Jake comes out with his piece drawn and says, “No, you drop it.” “Jake! I thought you were dead!” Tom says. After this Mexican standoff, it turns out Jake and Tom are old friends.
After some banter, E tells Sam the plan: borrow Snappy Tom’s plane & fly to the Robot Yard to get a new Cherry 2000 and go. While they discuss the plan, Lester calls Snappy Tom and asks him if he’s seen Sam and E. Before he can reply, Randa sells them out. Just as the plane’s ready to go, E spies Lester and Co. headed their way. She calls Sam and Jake who are in the house and they both come running. Sam makes it to the plane, but Six-Fingered Jake got shot in the back. The plane takes off and our heroes are bound for the Robot Yard. Lester gets their destination point from Randa and he thanks her by killing her.
Our protagonists make it to the Robot Yard and break into a storage warehouse through the skylight. They find a Cherry 2000, pop in the memory disk and Cherry is back. As they’re about to leave, Lester and Co. show up for some trouble. Sam and E fight their way to the door with Cherry in tow. Lester’s at the door waiting for them, but he’s shot quickly as they run past him to get to the plane. With all three of them on the plane, the plane is too heavy for takeoff and they need to drop some weight.
Let’s see: Sam weighs approx. 165lb., E. probably weighs 125lb., and Cherry — despite her petite figure — weighs a few pounds shy of five hundred pounds. Nobody did the math for E, so she jumps out. After a brief contemplation, Sam swings the plane back, asks Cherry to go get him a Pepsi, picks up E and leaves Cherry behind. E asks about the decision to leave Cherry behind after all that work and Sam replies, “She was just a machine.” They make kissy-face as they fly off into the sunset.
CHOICE CUTS/INTERESTING TIDBITS:
- Look for cameos by Robbie the Robot (“Lost in Space”[TV] and Forbidden Planet) & Gort (The Day The Earth Stood Still)
- When Sam first meets E, she’s wearing a shirt that says “DIGNITY” on it. Not with that hairdo…
- During the Rocket-Propelled Grenade (RPG) battle on the magnetic crane, the Mustang takes 2 direct hits, leaving vehicle and passengers intact. I can hear the old dude from the Thomas Dolby video yelling “SCIENCE!”
PRICELESS QUOTES:
Six-Fingered Jake makes a comment about toaster ovens:
“Best thing for cooking rattler!”
Sam and “Ginger” discuss Lester’s leadership skills.
Sam: “He’s a psychopath!”
Ginger: “Don’t impose your values on me, Sam”
Sam and E discuss trust in relationships.
Sam: “For all the things you said about Cherry, she never lied.”
E: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m not a fucking machine!”
Snappy Tom reacts to Randa’s refusal to make lunch for guests:
“Well, you can go and shit in your hat.”
I wonder if the writers for this movie considered the dialogue used in describing Cherry in derogatory fashion by E. Johnson. E refers to her as a “fucking machine” at some points. My problem with that is trying to determine if E’s line is supposed to be a double meaning or whether she’s just using a colorful expletive as an adjective. I say that because a sex android IS a copulation simulacrum — a “fucking machine” — and can be taken either way. I believe that the real problem lies in Melanie Griffith’s delivery of the line; as flat as the surrounding desert. The lack of intonation makes it hard to discern what she means.
Pushing all the nostalgia aside, my memory of this movie has held up over time and we all know this movie is BAD. It’s a relic of its time period, so if you want you can watch it but I would not recommend this film.
