MOVIE REVIEW: Red Sonja (1985)
Arnold “Arnie” Schwarzenegger could do no wrong in the 80’s, representing the manliest man that’s ever manned. He had made his claim to fame with the 1982 classic Conan the Barbarian but many believed the 1984 sequel, Conan the Destroyer, was not as good because it had too much comedy, among other issues. I am not one of them, as a story set in such a violent world needs a bit of levity to stop people from focusing on the evident bloodshed. That’s why it’s one of my favorite movies. Because Arnie was still up on his sword training, he signed on for another movie in the Conan universe. The latest production was Red Sonja, eponymously titled after the red-headed “She-Devil With A Sword” that shows up in many of the Marvel Comics’ Conan the Barbarian comics from 1973 until today.
I watched this movie back on UHF broadcast TV back in the day, and I realized Arnie wasn’t playing Conan — probably because the filmmakers couldn't get the rights to two Robert E. Howard characters in the same film. It didn’t stop director Richard Fleisher (Tora! Tora! Tora!, The Vikings [1958], Mandingo) from making the film, as he was focused on casting an “Amazonian” actress for the role. Many actresses read for the part and some even turned it down, but it was only when the director picked up a fashion magazine by chance while traveling that he found his lead.
Red Sonja (Danish supermodel Brigitte Nielsen, Cobra, Rocky IV) is rightfully distrustful of men as a rape survivor, but she also follows a hidden destiny: she is blessed by the goddess Mitra (a deity in the Hyborean world) to be the greatest swordswoman to ever live. While training in a remote monastery under Grandmaster (Tad Horino, Galaxina, Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey), she is visited by Lord Kalidor (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando, The 6th Day, Twins) who delivers bad news: her convent-bound sister Varna (Janet Ågren, Hands of Steel, Eaten Alive!) is dead and the artifact she and her sworn sisters guarded has been stolen. The artifact in question is the Talisman — a glowing green crystal encased in a golden web and powered by light — with the legendary ability to destroy its target in fire and earthquake. It was stolen by Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman, Hell Comes to Frogtown, Conan the Barbarian [1982], She [1984]): a vain lesbian sorceress-queen disfigured by Sonja as she rejected the queen’s amorous advances. In retaliation, Gedren ordered the death of Sonja’s remaining family…and Sonja’s sexual violation at the hands of her soldiers. As Sonja is sworn to revenge herself against Gedren, Kalidor is sworn to stop Gedren from using the Talisman. They should travel together but since Sonja trusts no man, she won’t allow him to go with or follow her — under pain of death.
Kalidor follows anyway and witnesses as Sonja picks up new allies: pre-teen prince Tarn (Ernie Reyes, Jr., “Sidekicks” [TV-ABC], Berry Gordy’s the Last Dragon, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze) and his bodyguard Falkon (Paul Smith, David Lynch’s DUNE [1984], Popeye [1980], Gor [1987]), both of Hablock — the first kingdom to fall against the Talisman. Though Falkon is a man, Sonja finds him uncommonly acceptable as he protects the brash young prince from his inexperience in combat. Kalidor still shadows behind as the three heroes fight bandits, lizardman border guards, conjured storms and watery mechanized monsters before making himself known to complete a four-person party. Now that the party is complete and they have reached Queen Gedren’s castle lair in Berkubane “the Land of Perpetual Night”, will they be able to stop Gedren from taking over the world? Will Tarn and Falkon be able to rebuild Hablock? Will Sonja overcome her hatred of men, settle down and resolve her sexual tension with Kalidor?
When creating my own fantasy world, I had a character that I wanted to be super bad-ass. He was a winged and golden-masked dragon-man spy named Gedren, named after the evil queen from this movie. I am aware the name is a feminine one but that’s for a reason: Queen Gedren is very cool. She is living her best life in a gilded crimson castle with a lava moat, serving LOOKS in hooker boots and a jeweled half-mask. Sandahl Bergman chews the scenery with hot sauce and all Ikol can do is bury his face in his hands and DEAL WITH IT. Queen Gedren is the living embodiment of YAAS QUEEN, SLAY: she is a queen, she slays, and she’s a YAAS for me.
I was also pleased to see Ernie Reyes, Jr. in this movie. He certainly took advantage of that weird period in 80’s Hollywood where children had dangerous life-or-death adventures, like Ke Hy Quan’s Data from The Goonies and Short Round from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. His beating up people twice his size and delivering comedy lines helped facilitate distraction against memories of grisly deaths found throughout the film’s running time. From multiple slow-motion decapitations in a single framed shot, bloody squibs exploding with every sword strike, crushing by stone wheels, and being buried alive with the key to the other side of the locked coffin, the gore and horror does not let up in Red Sonja. The comedy balances it all out, but I guess people wanted more blood and serious scenes. It explains the proliferation of horror film sequels and “Video Nasties” in the 1980s and 1990s, because there’s nothing more serious than a gory murder. To know this movie was a box-office failure as a result is not gonna stop me, but it does hurt to know this might have been the reason why we didn’t get another movie in the Hyborean Age until 2011’s Conan the Barbarian re-imagining with a greased-up and beardless Jason Momoa.
CHOICE CUTS:
- This was Brigitte Nielsen’s very first movie. Her long, supermodel body was not built to be a fighter with a broadsword — she’d be better suited with a rapier.
- The hair extensions for Red Sonja were obvious and very distracting.
- Many of the enemies’ death rattles in this movie were sampled and used in Sega’s Golden Axe series.
- The Talisman is basically a high-fantasy photoreceptive nuclear weapon, with the green radioactive glowing on the outside.
- Let’s talk about the Berkubane bone bridge: This bridge is made from the bones of some oversized horned beast that’s been dead for some time. The beast fell dead across a lava chasm, making a bridge and staying that way for an untold period of time while perfectly balanced and positioned. Humans eventually crossed its desiccated form with all their belongings to construct Castle Berkubane out of native red stone. You’d think the bones would fall away when the connective tissues and membranes broke down or burned away from the volcanic heat. But this is the fantasy genre, where reality rarely makes sense and the Rule of Cool always does.
- I would be remiss if I did not mention Gedren’s aide-de-camp and spy named Ikol (Ronald Lacey, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Gawain and the Green Knight [1973]), who uses shuriken with ninja-like accuracy. Also Gedren’s handmaiden (played by Lara Nasinsky, Zombie 3, Demons 2, Aenigma), whose character surprisingly does not get a name.
- Red Sonja is inspired by “Red Sonya” of Rogatino, a female character of the same name from a Robert E. Howard short story titled “The Shadow of the Vulture” in The Magic Carpet Magazine (January, 1934).
- Queen Gedren’s court wizard watching gay porn on the job and getting caught was priceless.
- PRICELESS QUOTE: Red Sonja sets the tone and says “No man may have me unless he defeats me in combat.” This idea comes back again at the end of the movie with Kalidor. On an unrelated real-life note, several men — Mark Gastineau, Sebastian Copeland, Raoul Meyer, Mattia Dessi, Sylvester Stallone and William Jonathan Drayton Jr. (AKA Flavor Flav) — have met the above requirement.
- Ernie Reyes Jr. went on to become an accomplished martial artist and stuntman. He also beat kidney failure and had a daughter who followed in his footsteps in acting.
- The horns of composer Ennio Morricone (The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly) are all over the soundtrack, bringing spaghetti western styling to the second sword-and-sandal/Peplum wave of the 1980s.
- The slow-motion decapitations were always awesome, but became less frequently shown on broadcast TV as the years went on and audiences became more sensitive. This is not a slight against audiences that want to see less gratuitous violence.
- Because of a sexist mindset about women in action films in the film industry at the time, the movie was called “Kalidor” in other markets and featured Schwarzenegger exclusively. Don’t get me started on what the Italians did to advertise this movie.
- The homosexual coding for Queen Gedren was barely concealed in the broadcast showings, easily explained away as wanting more slaves to mistreat. I guess that made it easier to mark her hedonistic and campy behavior as villainous.
- A Red Sonja remake has been in development hell for nearly 20 years, with different actresses selected for the role. The people in charge of making the film always find a reason to delay production, so don’t hold your breath for a remake or even a re-imagining. Oddly enough, one of the potential actresses for the Red Sonja remake— Rose McGowan — ended up in the 2011 Conan re-imagining.
