MOVIE REVIEW: The 13th Warrior (1999)
I truly enjoyed reading Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park, and I wanted to read what else he had written. I found a book called Eaters of the Dead, and realized as I read it the book was the saga of Beowulf told from a non-Viking perspective. Specifically, the perspective came from an actual historical figure—Islamic Golden Age theologian and diplomat Ahmad ibn Fadlan. The blend of factual and fictional footnotes created by Crichton were a fun chore to get through, and I learned so much from looking up what everything in the copious footnotes meant. I never thought they would ever make a movie about it; imagine my surprise when they did and cast Antonio Banderas (Desperado, The Mask of Zorro [1998], Puss in Boots: the Last Wish) as a fictional version of Ahmad ibn Fadlan. Given my positive experiences with the book, I made sure to be in the theater on opening day!
Ahmad Ibn Fadlan (Banderas) is living the good life in the Caliphate’s halls in Baghdad, when he picks the wrong noble-woman’s veils to trouble. Her husband is a noble with close ties to the Caliph, and soon our protagonist is shipped off to the Bulgars—recent Easter European converts to Islam , still steeped in their heathenry—to teach them about Islamic Law in a form of useful exile. His north-bound caravan along the Volga River is attacked by raiders, but they’re saved by Vikings from the far north led by Buliwyf (Vladimir Kulich, The Equalizer [2014], “The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim” [VG]) and includes Herger the Joyous (Dennis Storhøi, Yohan: the Child Wanderer, Bamse and the Witch’s Daughter). Not soon after, thanks to the machinations of his traveling companion and father’s friend Melchizidek (Omar Sharif, Lawrence of Arabia, Hidalgo), Ahmad ibn Fadlan is recruited to join the Vikings on their quest to defeat a monster that comes with the fog. If Ahmad ibn Fadlan does not go, an old witch-woman says, the Vikings who saved him will fail with a kingdom at stake. To satisfy the debt, Ahmad ibn Fadlan leaves Melchizidek to join Herger and Buliwyf on their quest to slay “the Wendol” in far-off Scandinavia...as their 13th warrior.
What comes next is a cold, foggy, blood-soaked and filth-caked mission to protect the people of Hrothgar (Sven Volter, the Van Veeteren series, The Man from Majorca). His wife, queen Weilew (Diane Venora, Baz Lurhman’s Romeo + Juliet, “Chicago Hope” [TV-CBS]) sends Buliwyf, Ahmad ibn Fadlan, and the others to clear the mead-hall Heorot. Horror and death stalks these doughty fighters, while “Eben” — what the Vikings call Ahmad ibn Fadlan, because they’re not going to say the whole name— tries to make sense of the things he’s seen. Thankfully others have become inured to the siege, namely the medic Olga (Marie Bonnevie, What No One Knows, The Shamer’s Daughter), who helps Ahmad ibn Fadlan adjust and become a productive member of the monster-slaying team. Just like in the source material, the monsters are defeated — both the Wendol and the dragon, who is their mother — at the cost of Bulywif’s life. With the mission complete, Ahmad ibn Fadlan will have quite the story to tell as he sails off to return to Melchizidek in his hut on the Volga River.
When I showed up on The 13th Warrior’s opening weekend in August 1999 the theater was surprisingly empty, and I had the whole theater to myself to enjoy this action film. This lack of attendance on the movie-going public’s part translated into a box-office bomb. This was before the Marvel Cinematic Universe, cultural acceptance of alternative lifestyles, and the return of White-supremacist fascism; I bring up those points because so much of this movie depended on the watcher liking ancient history, European literature, Vikings and whatnot. All of that was nerdy stuff nobody would be caught watching in 1999, let alone paying to watch. If folks weren’t watching action movies they were watching comedy or horror films — the indie horror film The Blair Witch Project was a word-of-mouth viral success, and the South Park franchise’s first feature-length movie capitalized on its show’s rabid audience to boost attendance. If they weren’t watching those, then they were surely on their latest theater viewing of The Matrix (which broke the mold on what was nerdy and what wasn’t).
I truly believe such an audience would have liked The 13th Warrior, based on the buckets of blood and gore alone. The atmospheric setting is effective and transports you to ancient Scandinavia; watch this movie with the air conditioning on full blast and YOU ARE THERE. Thankfully more people are open to admitting they like and watch this kind of stuff. Perhaps they can rewrite history as much as Michael Crichton made fiction of it, and we can all say we liked this movie. For now we should make actual history when we watch this movie, because it’s great.
CHOICE CUTS <<spoilers ahead>>:
- The nobleman’s wife is played by Dr. Ghoncheh Tazmini, Ph.D, a respected author and expert on Iranian studies and international relations.
- Dried and fermented piss as a healing salve?
- Ahmad ibn Fadlan’s full name is Aḥmad ibn Faḍlān ibn al-ʿAbbās ibn Rāshid ibn Ḥammād. You might never hear the whole thing because people keep cutting him off, because they don’t want to hear the whole thing.
- The scene with the traumatized blood-soaked naked boy running down the road always gets me.
- ICYMI: The Wendol is supposed to be Grendel, Queen Weilew is Wealthow, and Buliwyf is Beowulf.
- The Wendol’s mother (see above image) was played physically by Kristen Cloke (“Space: Above and Beyond” [TV-FOX], Black Christmas [2006], Final Destination [2002]), still recognizable under all that makeup! Credit was given to another actress, Susan Willis (What About Bob?, Mystic River). I can only speculate this was done so Ms. Willis could keep her SAG benefits after being unable to get work or help from the government.
- PRICELESS QUOTES: “Tis the Wendol’s mother!” was spoken by one of Buliwyf’s men as they found a representative idol carving (see below), but I use it when I speak of modern women with similar morphologies.
- When the monster slayers search a ruined home in the forest, they find a dirty idol of the Wendol’s mother. The carving is based on the limestone “Venus of Willendorf” fertility statue carving, dated around 25,000 years old.
