MOVIE REVIEW: The Apple (1980)

The dance and performance shows of the 70’s and 80’s were stand-out programming. These programs —Dance Party USA, American Bandstand, Caliente, Star Search, Soul Train, and my favorite, Solid Gold — featured professional dancers from Broadway and off-Broadway musicals in amazing spangly dancewear or the latest fashions making their own music videos in an attempt to draw attention away from MTV. While the plot failed, many of the dancers doing live shows still wanted to eat and live indoors while plying their performance skills. This led to a lot of disco-themed movie-musicals made with lots of song and dance numbers, like The Wiz and Xanadu. Cannon Films’ founders, Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus, thought it would be easier to make a movie musical without spending money to show it at the West End or Broadway. Because of this concept, we have The Apple, a Solid Gold-style movie-musical I’ve been trying to see for the better part of a decade.

SIGN AWAY YOUR SOUL: Bibi (Catherine Mary Stewart) is ready to do what it takes for showbiz stardom, while Alphie (George Gilmour) is far more cautious with the BIM lawyers hovering in the background.

In the garish and dystopian future of…1994, a single corporation called BIM (Boogalow’s International Music) controls the world and life is a scramble for fame. On a particular evening, the WorldVision Song Festival is already rigged to help Mr. Boogalow (Vladek Sheybal, “Shōgun” [TV movie-NBC], From Russia With Love) and his select pop-rock performers Pandi (funk singer Grace Kennedy) and Dandi (Allan Love, Rockula, Pop Pirates) win the contest. The audience is primed for their empty anthems, thanks to help from the effeminate Shake (Ray Shell, Velvet Goldmine) managing the audio-visual team in the control room. But something happens they did not expect: a couple of down-home kids from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. Alphie (George Gilmour, in his only film role) and Bibi (Catherine Mary Stewart, The Last Starfighter, Night of the Comet) come up with a gentle love song on their acoustic guitar about the Universal Family, but they only take runner-up (thanks to sabotage from the people at BIM). Both Alphie & Bibi think BIM is their only shot to the big time, so they meet with Boogaloo. After some shenanigans where one is seemingly more susceptible to temptation, Boogaloo offers them both separate contracts. Alphie rejects his contract after having an apocalyptic vision of what would happen if he signs it. Bibi has no qualms and is seduced by the power of BIM to become a mega-star — she bit the proverbial apple.

METAPHORICAL MUSICAL: In Hell, Dandi (Allan Love) and Pandi (Grace Kennedy) tempt Bibi with stardom in the shape of an oversized apple.

As images of Bibi pop up all over as a sign of his increasing power, Mr. Boogaloo begins to dictate international policy: everyone must wear the “BIM Mark” (a reflective triangular sticker) or be subject to fines and arrest. Alphie sees all this and keeps trying to get to Bibi, braving beatdowns and depression as a failing musician. His landlady (Miriam Margolyes, Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo+Juliet, Electric Dreams) wants the rent, but she knows she is Alphie’s only ally and wants to see him happy. After a staged set of sexually-charged encounters with the people at BIM, Alphie flees into the park and runs into a pack of hippies. They live under bridges and caves, free from BIM’s influence; they give him food, shelter, and hope after nearly giving up on Bibi. Through the power of love Bibi returns to him, they have a child, and they live with the hippies happily ever after as flower children…until Mr. Boogaloo and the cops show up to take Bibi to jail for breaking her contract, leaving a debt to BIM of 10 million dollars. And that’s when things go WAY off the rails.

It turns out the hippie leader (Joss Ackland, Lethal Weapon 2, The Mighty Ducks) is actually a mystical man named “Mr. Tops”, who descends from a golden Rolls Royce in the sky and comes to rescue all the free people. Both Mr. Tops and Mr. Boogalow know each other and speak of the fate of all humanity…making this whole movie is a Biblical allegory wrapped in pop-rock and late 70's/early 80’s glam. And so Alphie, Bibi, their baby (Maurice Norman Berger in his only role), all the hippies, and Mr. Tops ascend and leave Mr. Boogalow to have Earth and all those who remain on it.

CRY FOR ME: This rain-streaked love song pulled at my heart and memory, but the whole situation calls to mind the “Greed Makes You Dumb” trope.

When I first came to know this movie’s name, it was because I wanted to know more about Catherine Mary Stewart. She has a nice Catholic name, expressive face and eyes, and was the love interest in 1984 sci-fi cult classic, The Last Starfighter. I found this video and put it on my Amazon wish list, since it wasn’t available. By sheer luck I saw it available and I immediately purchased it. I had read earlier reviews about it being a bad film, but I’ve been watching bad movies and reviewing them since 1997 — given the stinkers I’ve seen, how bad could it possibly be?
Wow. Just…wow. At almost every turn I was shocked at the new direction the film had taken. From the weirdly written and performed songs (“Speed” stands out as a grave offender) and odd choreography, it never let up. The uncomfortably lingering scene with the trans folks sticks in my mind as something that was deeply scandalous and evil in the 80s, but we do gloss quickly over the suggestion of an orgy. I give the 80’s glam makeup a pass, because it was some wild stuff and too garish to be fashion-forward. So much of what I watched nearly caused my eyebrows to leave my head. It was shockingly odd overall — not bad. With that said, I can put this 10 year odyssey behind me.

CAMPING IT UP: Mr. Boogalow (Vladek Sheybal) and Shake (Ray Shell), both wearing the BIM mark on their foreheads while serving face.

CHOICE CUTS:

• Alpha and Bibi as Adam and Eve allegory is interesting, but not represented well.
• All the vehicles were hard to look at. Whether it was a weird period in German engineering or aftermarket modifications for the film, the only way to make them better would be to vomit on them.
• This movie was shot in West Germany (back when Germany was still split during the Cold War), which explains the daring architecture.
• Bibi’s rocking a “Canadian tuxedo” — also known as a full denim outfit.
• What the heck was wrong with Alphie’s voice? It seems like he was constantly projecting his voice as if he was on stage.
• ICYMI: The holographic “BIM mark” sticker is meant to represent the “Mark of the Beast”.
• I used to know a girl with green eyes and hair like a silken sheet, just like Bibi. I hope she’s doing well.
• NSFW: EYYYY~ YOU CAN’T JUST GRAB ON SOMEBODY LIKE THAT! It might be the reason why you’re not in any other movies!!
• PRICELESS QUOTES: I audibly heard myself say “Girl, are you okay?” when I saw the performance of “Speed”.

NEED FOR “SPEED”: As much rock ballad banger as it is a cry for help, Bibi belts out the title of her hit song with background dancers in biker-gang costumes.

• PRICELSS QUOTES: “Ten million dollars? Is that all?” says the hippie leader, with swinging balls of steel before the authorities.
• Wait, did Alphie get sexually assaulted by Pandi?
• This film was called Star Rock in Germany, and BIM Stars in France.
• There’s a metric fuck-ton of choreography in this film, and not all of it good. It stands to reason the actors at least sat in on dance rehearsals, as opposed to participating.
• While George Gilmour sang all his lyrics, Catherine Mary Stewart had her singing performed by vocalist Mary Hyman.
• One dancer stood out, because she was exactly who I thought it was — actress Finnola Hughes (“Blossom” [TV-NBC], “Generation X” [TV movie-FOX], “General Hospital” [TV-ABC]) in her very first film role.