MOVIE REVIEW: The Doll (2017)
The Golem of Prague stands the test of time as some of the most popular Jewish folklore regarding the creation of artificial life by mankind. In the story, a rabbi builds a golem from mud to defend his community from outsiders and destroys it once it becomes a danger to the same. He uses the shem (one of the Hebrew words that represent God) for “truth” (æmet) to animate it but destroys it by changing the shem from “truth” to “death” (met). Only a few similar stories maintain the connection to the positive divine (ex.: the Pygmalion myth, from Ovid’s “Metamorphoses”), while others leave out the positive divine element to produce soul-less creatures (ex.: homunculi, zombies, Alraune). Indeed, what happens when the forces other than the positive divine successfully access the soul for their own ends? If they do it wrong, it becomes a disaster…not unlike the Tubi treasure, The Doll.
On the streets of Los Angeles, a dark magician (Don Scribner, Future Force [1989], Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood) is hard at work. He’s kidnapping women and chopping them up, all the pieces marked with bloody pentacles for maximum fiendish power. It’s all in service of creating a flesh golem — a combination of human body parts sewn up and reanimated. This flesh golem is made up to look like an emo Russian supermodel (Miss Diamond Crown of the World 2007 winner Valeria Lukyanova AKA the “Human Barbie Doll”, ), and its creator decides to use her to kill and steal souls in service of a dark patron…through a sexual escort service. While working with sex workers no longer carries the same stigma, you have to wonder: what kind of person partakes in hiring sex workers? For the purposes of this story, the answer is “dumb fucks”.
Sad-sack emo boy Andy (Anthony del Negro, Deep in the Darkness [2014], MOV [2022]) has it relatively rough: his girl Shannon (Isabelle Racco, Girls after Dark [2018], Bride+1) is an unforgiving shrew that just dumped him, and his lazy best friend Chris (Christopher Lenk, Keep the Lights On, Hallucinogen) is bumming off him and making their lives hell. Chris doesn’t even have a bank account, but he says that Andy should look into getting a hooker: he does it all the time. The latest thing Chris does is hire out escorts through a mysterious website, called “The Doll” which features a gorgeous blonde emo Russian girl named “Natasha” on the front page. They use Andy’s credit card to hire her out for an entire week, and the appointment is made.
The very next day, Natasha shows up — chest-length platinum blonde hair, delicate porcelain features, blue eyes under winged eyeliner, a big black T-shirt over fishnet stockings, and chunky platform sandals. This sex worker moves stiffly, doesn’t talk much, and doesn’t do what she came there for. She just…exists. Weird things start to happen around Andy’s house: neighbors go missing, and Natasha always seems to end up outside without using the front door. When Shannon returns to the house, it’s a foolish new game of cat-and-mouse as Andy’s goal is to not piss Shannon off with having a sex worker in his own house. That all goes out the window when Natasha goes on a Satanic killing spree, resulting in a lackluster denouement.
The weirdest thing about all this prostitution-turned-Satanic-murder foolishness? Andy’s card was never charged.
I didn’t make it far through the movie before I started writing this review, because it was BAD. The lighting was bad, the dialogue was bad, and the editing was bad. Triple-threat Susannah O’Brien (she’s this film’s writer, director, and producer) needed to add a few new hats to her task list: lighting director and cinematographer. Unless the darkness was added in post-production this film was entirely too dark…and turning up the brightness didn’t make it any better. She did hire someone to do the lighting, but their attempt at mood came off as not coming prepared for work. If the editor added a shaky-cam filter in post, that’s a bad editor; if the cinematographer accepted the camera shots, that’s poor skill.
The actors do their best with the material given, but it ain’t much: almost everyone is written so badly and without any sympathy. On the other hand, the third act truly redeems the film. Everybody who needs to die gets murdered horribly, and that’s all I’m asking for.
CHOICE CUTS:
- Does HTML proficiency to build a website come via affiliation with the Dark Lord? I hope it also includes CSS design training and SEO training.
- The last time I watched a parade of horny pansexual sluts this deep die horrible deaths was the Witchcraft horror film series, and that’s not a compliment.
- The writer/director/producer of this film references 2016’s Encounter, one of her earlier movies in her filmography.
- I can imagine Valeria Lukyanova’s role was easy: alternating between standing very still and stabbing people.
- Though Natasha may be dressed up as emo, is she a head-banger since she always bangs on the window to get back in with her head?
- I’m a big fan of the attic set. The closer we get to the ending, the more sources shows up to light the textures of the furniture and fabric. Seeing all the textures towards the end was really good.
- CAMEO: Legendary porn-star and sex offender Ron Jeremy (Super Hornio Brothers [1993], Orgazmo [1997], Bruce Almighty [2003]) shows up as one of Natasha’s victims. He gets a lot of dialogue for playing a pimp.
- CAMEO: Blink and you’ll miss 21st-century scream queen Mindy Robinson (“Sharknado 4: the 4th Awakens” [TV-SyFy], Evil Bong 666, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance) in a brief role!
- Susannah O’Brien and the Human Barbie Doll previously teamed up in 2017 another production, called Doll House Workout. Valeria Lukyanova is a fitness model and a spiritual guide (hence the jeweled bindi on her forehead in promotional photos), and it was this fitness/spirituality video that started their relationship.
- I can’t get over how stupid both guys had to behave in order for the movie to happen. Every time they talked to Natasha they acted like shy chimpanzees who had never seen a woman before; they noticed something is wrong and they assumes she was “mental”. It’s incredibly sexist and it got their souls sacrificed to Satan.
- On the bright side, at least Andy nor Chris had sex with Natasha; that would have been necrophilia.
