MOVIE REVIEW: Warcraft (2016)
LORE has become a very important part of video game franchises. This is especially true of the Warcraft world, in light of its MMORPG game. From in-game story to printed works both licensed and unlicensed (which sometimes contradicted each other until Blizzard Inc. made it official), the story is where people go to enjoy the video game once the gaming platform is turned off. I used to play the RTS games (Warcraft II, Warcraft III, Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne, and many mods for Warcraft III, excluding an of the MOBA games — which are actually derived from RTS mods of Warcraft III) and that’s where my expertise of the Warcraft world ends…except what the game World of Warcraft does to people.
I know some folks who have lost jobs, skipped bills, lied, and let themselves go physically or mentally just to play some more WOW. It’s almost like my experience observing others and their specific anime fandoms: I’ve seen how it reduced a grown man with an important job to tears when he couldn’t rent a VHS videotape of his favorite anime. Seeing how I’ve just dated myself, lemme get on with the review.
This movie was a dream for so many people, and was hyped before it was even in the works. When previews and reviews came back, Warcraft was a letdown b/c according to the diehards the whole story was wrong and the motivations were wrong and it was all just **WRONG**. So much was wrong that people were willing to sit out the movie and not see it. I didn’t see it, because I wasn’t that into Warcraft anymore. Alliance and Horde (like Valor, Instinct, Mystic, and Harmony in Pokemon GO) could stay at their war craft and fight until the end for all I cared, so I sat the movie out during its initial run. Only recently did I speak to relatives on R&B artist Robin Thicke and Paula Patton, one of the stars of this film, and my thoughts drifted to the film. If not for Paula Patton, I would not be writing this article nor would I have enjoyed the movie as much as I did.
Paula Patton plays Garona, a half-human/half-orc in the movie (but not in WOW lore, #spoilers) and serves as a token minority for the Alliance. She is very much a savage jungle princess, all teased hair and bone ornaments. The lack of proper clothing and emphasis on her state of bondage made her out to be a lure for sexual attraction, and I totally bit — mainly because it was Paula Patton. Mmmm.
Thoughts about Ms. Patton aside, Warcraft would have been better served if it had not been tied to the Warcraft world and story line. This sounds counter-productive but hear me out: it would have served the movie to stand on its own creative merits. Warcraft only has the CG orcs and the orc interactions of Toby Kebbel (from Fantastic Four [2015], and the upcoming remake of Ben-Hur) as Durotan and other orcs still on the fence after trusting Gul’dan (Daniel Wu, AMC’s “Into the Badlands”). Simple interactions between people, and the human characters couldn’t pull that off. The humans were a good lot of actors too: Dominic Cooper (Captain America: The First Avenger and “Peggy Carter”), Ruth Negga (“Agents of SHIELD”, AMC’s “Preacher”, and World War Z), Ben Foster (Pandorum, The Mechanic), and Travis Fimmel (History Channel’s “Vikings”). They sucked so bad at their jobs (#sorrynotsorry) and the orcs stole the show. The dwarves were barely present. Do NOT get me started on the sorry state of the Night Elves.
Again, the movie was not good, and that cliffhanger at the end to set up a sequel is obviously not happening — even if it’s supposed to be a sort-of “orc Moses”. I really wish this movie was better, but all I have to show for it is a newfound appreciation for Paula Patton. And chicken, like Leeroy Jenkins.
SPECIAL NOTE: I fully expect comments on this movie review, and I allow for civil discussion of my points. Demands will not be fulfilled. If you find your comments have been deleted, you crossed a line with me. You’re smart enough to know how to use a computer; you know what lines not to cross.
CHOICE CUTS:
- So the main “mighty Whitey” hero Lothar (Travis Finkel) is sad after a big battle because his son Callan died. Lothar’s wife died in childbirth about 20 years prior to bring Callan into the world. Now he lies dead on a battlefield at the hands of orcs, specifically Blackhand the Destroyer (post-Fel magic infusion, if it matters). While he’s crying about being “alone”, Garona’s trying to put the moves on him to cheer him up. It was like: “BOO HOO MY DEAD SON, BOO HOO MY DEAD WIFE” and she’s all, “Hush human, I am trying to give you snu-snu.”
- More comedy from Garona: the mage on their quest named Khadgar (Ben Schnetzer) does look favorably on Garona, and Lothar notices. He calls the mage out and Garona hears. As Khadgar denies he was looking, this happens:
GARONA: He wants to lie with me.
LOTHAR: [laughing]
KHADGAR: I do not!
GARONA: You would be injured.
LOTHAR: [laughing harder]
GARONA: Why is this funny to you? - Lothar looks stoned most of the time.
- In a twist, Medivh the Protector (Ben Foster) may be Garona’s father. But nobody cares.
— previously published 8/15/2016 on Facebook Notes
