OP-ED: The Best of the Legendary Monsters in Film

Stuck at home during the COVID-19/novel coronavirus global pandemic, I realize the “Dark Universe” promised by Universal Pictures as a way to revitalize their “Universal Classic Monsters” franchise has come and gone at least twice. But what is it that keeps bringing butts to seats for movies where we know the weaknesses of these unholy villains? Looking back at the Universal Classic Monsters movies I like, we may be able to figure it out.

For context, the two versions of Universal Pictures trying to bring these characters and IP (intellectual property) back into common knowledge are considered the “Remake” era (1979–2010) and the “Reboot” era (2014-present). I decided after a re-watch of Dracula Untold to pick and choose the ones I liked from this span of time, but I also had to pick a movie representative of each of the movie monsters: the Wolf Man, Dracula, the Mummy, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Invisible Man, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, the Bride of Frankenstein, and the Phantom of the Opera. Some monsters will have more than one movie to represent them, and many are not produced or distributed by Universal.

A final note: the character of Igor shows up in these movies, working for both Count Dracula and/or Dr. Frankenstein, possibly even blended with Renfield. Igor is not a monster…just depraved and sometimes hunch-backed, the latter a reference to a little-known Universal Classic Monster, the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Neither Igor, Renfield, or the Notre Dame hunchback will show up in the final tally.

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• An American Werewolf in London (1981): One of the best horror movies of the 20th century, two backpackers were clearly warned to stay off the moors during their trip in the United Kingdom. One is murdered by an unknown beast while the other is mauled by the same. He survives and recuperates to full health, only to face fresh horror with every full moon. Jenny Agutter (Logan’s Run, Captain America: the Winter Soldier) stars.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: the Wolf Man/werewolf.
• Transylvania 6–5000 (1985): A horror-comedy starring Ed Begley Jr. (Amazon Women on the Moon), Jeff Goldblum (Holy Man), and Michael Richards (Kramer on “Seinfeld” [TV]) about two tabloid reporters going to Transylvania to prove if the legends that spawned the Universal Classic Monsters are based in reality; hijinks ensue. Geena Davis (Long Kiss Goodnight) plays a nymphomaniac that dresses as a sexy vampire to drain men of their vital fluids.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: Dracula/vampires, the Wolf Man/werewolf, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Mummy, the Invisible Man, Creature from the Black Lagoon (implied).
• The Monster Squad (1987): Another horror-comedy about a group of pre-teen boys taking on the Universal Pictures movie monsters, led by Count Dracula, as they defend their small town. This movie taught us that “wolf-men have nards”, and if you tell the U.S. Army there are monsters in your house they will come and fight them. For reals.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: Dracula/vampires, the Wolf Man/werewolf, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Mummy, the Invisible Man, Creature from the Black Lagoon.
• Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992): With amazing costume design by the late Eiko Ishioka, this further eroticized telling of the novel gave us the stars of tomorrow: Keanu Reeves (Replicas), Winona Ryder (Star Trek (2009)), Cary Elwes (the Crush), Sir Anthony Hopkins (Transformers: the Last Knight), Gary Oldman (the Fifth Element), and Monica Bellucci (Brotherhood of the Wolf). Francis Ford Coppola (Godfather: Part III) had a hand in production.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: Dracula/vampires, the Wolf Man/werewolf (by interpretation).
• Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (1994): A faithful retelling of the novel, this movie has amazing creature effects, a whole ‘nother level of fucked-up-ness from previous incarnations, and highly-respected actors like Kenneth Branagh (Wild Wild West (1999)), Helena Bonham Carter (Fight Club), John Cleese (Tomorrow Never Dies) and Robert DeNiro (Analyze This).
  MONSTERS PRESENT: Frankenstein’s Monster, Bride of Frankenstein.
• Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995): Proving Mel Brooks still has what it takes, this horror-comedy re-interpretation of the Bram Stoker novel features Leslie Nielsen, Lysette Anthony (Krull), Harvey Korman (“Star Wars Holiday Special” [TV]) and Amy Yasbeck (The Mask). It contains some of the best comedy this side of a day-mare.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: Dracula/vampires.
• The Mummy (1999): This movie re-imagined a nearly 60-year-old IP with visualized backstory and “Indiana Jones”-style adventure, and it paid off into two sequels — one of which is further down the list. Brendan Fraser (Blast from the Past), John Hannah (“Spartacus: Blood and Sand” [TV]), Oded Fehr (Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo), Omid Djalili (Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow), and Rachel Weisz (Black Widow (2020)) fight the machinations of Imhotep (played by Arnold Vosloo; Outlaw of Gor) to save his lover Anck-su-Namun (Patricia Velasquez, Beowulf (1999)).
  MONSTERS PRESENT: the Mummy.
• Hollow Man (2000): Kevin Bacon (of the “seven degrees of” variety) and Josh Brolin (No Country for Old Men) invent an invisibility serum; Mr. Bacon tests it on himself like a dumbass. He becomes criminally insane and tries to kill is ex-wife Elizabeth Shue (Adventures in Babysitting). The movie is creepy — not in a horror way, but in an uncomfortable way. This movie was the first to show me actress Rhona Mitra (Doomsday (2008)), of which I will forever be grateful.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: the Invisible Man.
• The Mummy Returns (2001): As above, the same folks join up again to amp up the excitement and thrills. This was the film debut for former professional wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (Hobbs and Shaw) as the Scorpion King, which has led to a fruitful film career.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: the Mummy.
• Van Helsing (2004): An action movie meant to gather the Universal Classic Monsters under one shared universe, this movie gave us Hugh Jackman (Kate and Leopold) as the titular monster-hunter. David Wenham (Return of the King) and MAI WAIFU Kate Beckinsale (Click) also help out in the fight against Dracula’s plot to raise an army of vampires to conquer the world — using the energies powering Frankenstein’s monster.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: Dracula/vampires, the Wolf Man/werewolf, Frankenstein’s Monster.
• The Phantom of the Opera (2005): Did not see it, but I know it had Gerard Butler (Zack Snyder’s 300) and Emmy Rossum (Dragonball Evolution) in it.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: Phantom of the Opera.
• The Wolf Man (2010): Starring Benicio Del Toro (Star Wars: the Last Jedi), Emily Blunt (A Quiet Place), Sir Anthony Hopkins (Thor: Ragnarok), and Geraldine Chaplin (Chaplin), this re-telling of the wolf-man story has more in common with An American Werewolf in London (see above). The CG used allowed me to experience something impossible with practical effects: A FLAMING WEREWOLF FIGHT.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: the Wolf Man/werewolf.
• Dracula Untold (2014): Just re-watched this, and now I remember why the theater was empty when I saw it the first time in theaters: it’s not good. Still, it was some sort of enjoyable attempt for the start of the DARK UNIVERSE, and I am sorely pissed Luke Evans (Immortals) did not get his big break here; he brings his all. Also, Charles Dance (Alien 3) is here to work in a big bad to tie to other Universal Classic Monsters’ movies but it didn’t take.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: Dracula/vampires.
• I, Frankenstein (2014): Laughably bad in its attempts to be taken seriously, this movie places notable geriatric hard-body Aaron Eckhart (Battle: Los Angeles) as the titular monster going by his chosen name “Adam”. He’s now a (ahem) super-powered freelance demon hunter that runs afoul of a war between angels (led by Miranda Otto; War of the Worlds (2005)) and demons. Since most people doesn’t read, everybody assumes Frankenstein’s monster is a slow thinker, but the novel posits “Adam” is smart and a quick learner. This tracks with the movie; still doesn’t stop the movie from being bad.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: Frankenstein’s Monster.
• The Mummy (2017): A meme-alicious and nonsensical spectacle, our hero Tom Cruise (Cocktail) runs away from an evil mummified princess (Sofia Boutella, Kingsman: the Secret Service), only to run right back to fight her to save the world at the request of Russell Crowe (Les Miserables). An unfinished cut of the trailer hit the Internet, ensuring this movie was in the trash before reel one — which is unfortunate, since this was Universal Pictures’ SECOND attempt to bring about the shared cinematic universe of the DARK UNIVERSE.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: the Mummy.
• The Shape of Water (2017): Though a romance movie and not intended as anything related to horror, the love interest subject is none other than the Creature from the Black Lagoon. The film is seen as metaphor: people persecuted for loving something different and in different ways, while the authorities are more monstrous than the monsters they kill. It won 4 out of 13 nominations at the 90th Academy Awards, winning Best Picture and making Mexican writer-director and noted Scalie Guillermo del Toro (Pacific Rim) a household name.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: Creature from the Black Lagoon.
• The Invisible Man (2020): Instead of viewing the movie from the POV of the inventor, the filmmakers decided to capitalize on the #MeToo movement and changed the inventor into a real monster — a domestic abuser. We see the movie from his victim’s harried perspective as she is constantly gas-lit by her support network while her ex-lover trolls her hard. Elizabeth Moss (“The Handmaid’s Tale” [TV]), Aldiss Hodge (“WGN’s Underground” [TV]) and Storm Reid (A Wrinkle in Time) star in this taut and timely thriller…that is NOT part of the DARK UNIVERSE or any cinematic universe, according to its writer and director, Leigh Whannell. Worth noting: this movie’s release and box office was severely affected by the public’s self-quarantine during the COVID-19/novel coronavirus global pandemic.
  MONSTERS PRESENT: the Invisible Man.

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FINAL TALLY:

• the Wolf Man/werewolf: 6 <<TIE>>
• Dracula/vampires: 6 <<TIE>>
• The Mummy: 5
• Frankenstein’s Monster: 5
• The Invisible Man: 4
• Creature from the Black Lagoon: 3
• Bride of Frankenstein: 1
• Phantom of the Opera: 1

Well I guess this explains Twilight. G’nite, and WASH YOUR HANDS!